Just This Once
by dragonwings948
Summary: One day, the Doctor finally tells Rose how he really feels about her. One-shot. Copyright to the BBC.


The Doctor advanced toward Rose with his hand held out expectantly. Somehow, he managed to stay straight-faced as he backed her up against the TARDIS wall. Rose closed her fist even tighter behind her back.

"Rose, give it to me." He spoke with authority, but with just an edge of playfulness which let Rose know that he wasn't upset.

"Not 'till you tell me what it does," she giggled, clutching the little clear ball no bigger than a marble.

"I told you, I can't tell you right now. It has to do with-"

"-the next place we're going." She rolled her eyes, as he had already said this. "Dunno, maybe I'll just drop it then..."

"No!" He pounced forward, but Rose held her hand resolutely behind her back. She knew he wouldn't use force to get it, so she grinned, knowing she had the upper hand.

He huffed and then leaned forward so that his arms were on either side of her face, bracing him as their noses came inches apart. His big brown eyes bored into her, every one of his delicate freckles visible. "Rose, please," he said softly, his warm breath rushing over her skin.

Rose could feel her pulse quicken, and knew that with his sensitive ears he would be able to pick it up. She felt her cheeks grow warm at this thought, irritated that he knew her soft spot, and even more irritated that he would use it when he really didn't mean anything by it. Rose imagined this same scene if things were different. It was the same up until this point, but then she would slide the wanted object into his jacket pocket and proceed to snog him senseless.

Her stomach quivered with anticipation. Oh, if only there was a chance of that dream coming true. She almost thought it might sometimes; at times like now, in fact, when the Doctor's expression was so soft and full of love, when he was so close and even his breathing grew a little quicker. But after so many times, nothing had ever happened. And it would take every nerve in her to start it herself.

Rose focused on his face again. He hadn't retreated an inch, but held the same soft and amused expression. What would happen if she leaned forward, just the tiniest bit? How would he respond?

She did. With a slow tilt, she inched her head forward, and she could have sworn that the Doctor was doing the same. However, her lips only brushed his before he pushed himself away from the wall, pried the little ball out of her weakened fingers, and smirked triumphantly as if nothing had just happened.

"Gotcha!" He tossed the ball up in the air and caught it deftly. Rose tried to smile at him, but found she couldn't. Was that really all his meaningful looks were for? Just so he could use her vulnerability when necessary?

"We'll have a good trip tomorrow, just you wait and-" But he paused as he looked at her face. His expression fell. "Rose? Something wrong?"

"'S nothing," Rose muttered.

He swallowed thickly and stepped toward her again, pocketing the clear ball. "Rose," he said, taking her hand in his.

Rose bit her lip and turned away from him. She couldn't stand it. He said her name like a gentle caress, and his touch was so reassuring and loving. How could he torture her like this?

"Rose you know it can't... I've told you before, I-"

"I know why you can't," she squeaked, pushing back a lump in her throat. "You think I'm gonna leave you, or die, or grow old, and you'll be left with nothing but memories of me, yeah?"

He nodded slowly. "Yeah."

"Then why don't you make those memories ones that you won't regret?" she whispered. They rarely crossed this subject, as it was sure to make them both sad, angry, or both. Yet, Rose knew she needed a final answer. She had to try again.

The Doctor came to stand directly in front of her. "I know you said that you want to travel with me forever, and I have no doubt you mean it, but it's just not realistic." He placed a hand on her cheek and coaxed her head up to look him straight in the eye. "What if you get lost somewhere where I could never save you? What if you get killed? And if neither of those things happen... You could grow old with me, but I could never grow old with you. You deserve better than that. One day some bloke's gonna come along and catch your eye, one who's brilliant and _human. _And if you're still stuck on me, I...well, I can't deny you that life, Rose. I couldn't do that to you."

"Can't you get it through that thick alien skull?" Rose demanded, her voice rising as she put her weight on her forward foot. "I want _you. _I don't care what it means, I don't care about anyone else."

"But _I _do!" He matched her volume and edged forward as well, his jaw set. "I want you to have a real, human life. You'll always be in danger with me."

"That's never stopped you before!" she challenged.

"I won't be able to give you the life that a human could."

"Right, you'll give me a better life! This is all I want to do, and I'd do it for the rest of my life if I was with you!"

The Doctor uttered a sound that was very much like a growl and ran a hand through his hair. He then grabbed Rose's shoulders and shook her gently. "Rose, I lo- I care about you enough that I want you to have a better life with someone who can give you all the years of their life."

Her mind lingered on the stutter between "I" and "care". She knew he had been going to use a different verb. "You battle monsters every day, and you still can't say that word, can you? What are you so afraid of? That it might actually be _true?"_

"Fine!" he practically shouted. "Rose Tyler, I am _hopelessly _in love with you." A great sigh came after the words, as if a great weight had been lifted from his chest. "Happy?"

Despite the argument, Rose felt a smile twitch at the corners of her lips. He had said it so desperately, like it really was hopeless. "Yeah, a bit." And she could really say it because she found them in that same position, both of them having leaned forward in the heat of the debate. She could see the change in the Doctor's face as his anger ebbed into something much softer. His eyes flickered to her lips, just for a fraction of a second.

_Just this once, Doctor, just this once, _thought Rose to herself.

Rose leaned forward again, this time determined not to let the Doctor escape. And yet, he didn't even try. Her lips met his with ease, and his arms snaked around her waist and held her fast. Rose could have giggled at how fast his resolve had slipped, but she was too busy focusing on him. She gripped his arm with one hand, and found the other intertwined in his hair. It was such a perfect moment, and Rose thought with triumph how the Doctor could never deny this. Maybe now they would be something more...

Too soon she found her pitiful human lungs in need of air. She didn't want to pull away, for she knew that when she did, the Doctor would probably regain control of himself, or she would wake up and find that it was all a dream.

With reluctance, she slowly pulled away, taking in ragged breaths. The Doctor seemed stunned and surprised, maybe even a bit dazed. He still stared at her lips, as if wondering if he had really just kissed her. His arms stayed fixed around her waist, however, giving Rose hope.

A few seconds passed. Still no kind of reaction.

"Doc-" But she couldn't even utter his whole name before he crushed her against him even more and kissed her again...and again...and again.

Both of them were breathless when the Doctor finally relented and broke away. Rose was heartbroken to see a look of disgrace and regret upon his face. His eyes were wide with horror, as if he had committed some illegal act.

"Doctor." Rose tried to console him, placing a hand on his cheek. He focused on her, his lips slightly parted with surprise.

And then, the last thing that Rose expected happened: his eyes widened with some sort of understanding, and then he smiled, really smiled. He touched his lips to hers for a short second, still smiling, and pulled away.

"I've wanted to do that for a very long time," he murmured in a hoarse whisper.

"Me, too," Rose agreed, threading her fingers further through his hair and matching his overjoyed smile. "So...are things gonna be different now?"

He ran his fingers gently through her hair. "I suppose so."

A thrill of anticipation and happiness ran through Rose's body. "Does that mean I get a goodnight kiss?"

With a chuckle, he bent down again to meet her lips a few more times. He let his lips linger on hers as he pulled away. "Goodnight, Rose Tyler." He wrapped her in an embrace and kissed her temple, whispering in her ear, "I love you."

A shiver ran down Rose's spine. Those words he had almost said so often- now right there, out in the open. "I love you," she murmured back. "My Doctor." And after squeezing him once more around the middle, she reluctantly stepped away from him, not wanting to push him too far. "See ya in the morning, then!" And she skipped off down the TARDIS hallway, feeling simply elated. She was going to kiss the Doctor like that every day now...

The Doctor's smile faded as soon as the hallway door closed behind Rose. He sank straight into the console chair, his face in his hands. How, in the name of Rassilon, had he allowed himself to do that?

But it wasn't his fault; oh, no. He could practically swim in her light brown eyes, so big and pleading. And the way she smiled, and had parted her lips just slightly before leaning forward to kiss him...

She was a death trap.

He focused on slowing his breathing, which also got his mind off of what had just happened. After that, he stared blankly at the control panel, as if hoping some help would come from it. He was lost. Whenever he tried to think of how to fix this, Rose came to mind, so close, soft, and gentle.

Finally the Doctor huffed and let himself think about the kisses to get it out of his system. After one hour and thirty-six minutes of analyzing and reliving every moment, the Doctor could think about other things.

He had been so stupid. How could he have allowed his emotions to overtake him? Now Rose was going to expect something different; something like that kiss every day. But he couldn't do that. He couldn't subject either of them to that kind of torture, because after nine hundred years of time travel he knew that one person couldn't stay with him forever.

The Doctor racked his brains, wondering how in the world he could fix what he had just done...

His head snapped up as a thought presented itself in his head. His chest tightened up at the same time, and a lump grew in his throat. It would be a terrible thing to do, something he would have to live with for the rest of his life, but he had to do it.

The Doctor's hearts ached painfully. He wanted to be with Rose more than anything, but he couldn't. He just couldn't.

_But her logic actually made sense..._a small part of him said. And it had. Why not make the most of his time with her?

_No! _His time lord side kicked back in. _Do it. Do it now before you change your mind. _

The Doctor set his jaw and forced himself up out of the chair. He walked quietly down the TARDIS hallway to Rose's door and prepared to step through, but the door wouldn't slide to the side like it usually did. Rose never locked her door.

"Open up," the Doctor whispered with authority, looking up at the ceiling. It didn't budge. He reached inside his jacket pocket for his sonic.

"Don't make me use this," he muttered as he drew it out. Still the TARDIS gave no response, and the Doctor soniced the door open. Even the TARDIS was against what he was about to do, though how she knew was beyond him.

He paused at the door, unable to keep from smiling at Rose's peaceful form. How he wished he could hold her as she slept and kiss her again...

He shook his head and concentrated on stepping forward. When he reached the edge of the bed, he reached forward with shaking fingers and pressed two fingers on both of her temples. Immediately he was assaulted with Rose's dream about them kissing, though this time they were on a quiet, moonlit beach. The Doctor enjoyed the scene for a few moments before taking it away. Then he probed her mind, just a tiny bit, and found their kisses just on the surface.

With a painful sigh, the Doctor drew the memory into his own mind along with Rose's emotions. He filled in the gap with a fake memory of Rose going straight to bed after she had given him back the crucible marble. And then, stopping himself from probing her mind for anything else, the Doctor drew away and released his hold on Rose. As he looked at her, he felt a pang of regret and crushing guilt.

_It's best for both of us, _he reminded himself. He sighed as he carefully lifted himself off of Rose's bed and walked out her door.

He repeated those words to himself over and over as a sort of resolve. _It's best for both of us, it's best for both of us, it's best for both of us..._

_ But is it? _


End file.
